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Saya lagi tergila-gila dengan facebook. Tergila-gilanya seperti saat saya pertama kali bisa keluar masuk sex shop saat saya sekolah di Eropa. Tak ada yang melarang. Orangtua saya tidak, pemerintah apalagi. Sampai ketagihan.

Mengapa sampai ketagihan? Karena selama ini dilarang. Dan kalau diibaratkan bendungan, sudah terlalu banyak menampung air karena lama tertahan. Sekalinya mendapat kesempatan dibuka, Anda tahu sendiri tumpahannya bakal meluap ke mana-mana dan mengalir sampai jauh.

Tentu sekarang masih meluap, tetapi tak sampai jauh. Karena meski tak ada sex shop, saya masih bisa jalan-jalan mencari DVD ah, uh, ah, uh. ”Kebebasan” itu bisa saya dapatkan di sini, tak perlu ke luar negeri karena larangan menjual DVD yang membuat berkeringat itu hanya byarpet, byarpet, seperti lampu setengah hidup. Sekali digerebek, dua sampai enam kali dibiarkan. Nanti digerebek lagi, kemudian dibiarkan lagi. Maka, untuk mencari yang berkeringat, Anda mesti tahu jadwalnya. Kapan lampu merah, kapan lampu hijau. Sama seperti mengatur bermain cinta dengan siapa pun, agar tak perlu ada yang sampai harus berbadan dua.

Los Angeles atau Lenteng Agung?

Saya tak hanya tergila-gila dengan situs pertemanan itu, karena saya bisa bertemu dengan teman-teman lama, tetapi ada yang lebih menarik, yaitu membaca komentar setiap orang soal apa yang sedang dikerjakan atau dipikirkan hari itu, di sebuah kolom kecil yang tersedia.

Misalnya, Tuti lagi pusing kehilangan kunci kamar. Sudin lagi bengong, dan sejuta aktivitas, termasuk yang berbunyi seperti ini. Budi lagi bete di LA. LA maksudnya Los Angeles bukan Lenteng Agung. Atau, Hasan lagi di New York, bingung mau ke mana. Amir lagi nyiapin perjalanan singkat ke Tibet. Seorang wanita menulis, I’m on the way home from London.

Nah, yang menarik adalah membaca aktivitas mereka di kota dunia itu. Saya bertanya iseng-iseng kepada diri saya sendiri, mengapa kota-kota atau tempat di luar negeri yang terkenal itu perlu disebutkan? Tentu tak ada yang disalahkan karena menulis nama kota-kota itu, lha wong pada kenyataannya mereka memang sedang bingung di New York atau bete di LA. Saya saja yang kurang kerjaan.

Pertanyaan iseng itu masih berlanjut. Bagaimana kalau, misalnya, si Budi bete di LA, maksud saya di Lenteng Agung, dan bukan di Los Angeles? Apakah itu bermakna lain buat Budi? Apakah ada yang dirasakannya berbeda saat menulis LA yang di luar negeri dan LA yang di dalam negeri? Bukankah yang penting dan menarik untuk dibaca adalah aktivitas manusianya, yaitu sedang betenya, bengongnya, persiapan perjalanannya?

Mengapa Budi tidak menulis sesederhana seperti, saya lagi bete. Titik. Tanpa perlu embel-embel nama kotanya? Bukankah ia tak sedang menulis hard news di mana pola penulisan dengan 5W1H sangat kental digunakan? Pada keadaan lain, apakah memang ada sensasi berbeda mengatakan pergi ke luar kota dan ke luar negeri?

”Bad guy”, ”good guy”

Dua hari lalu sebelum jatuhnya tenggat tulisan ini, Dicky, teman saya, mengajak seorang temannya untuk ikut menonton bersamanya di sebuah mal, tetapi temannya tak bisa turut serta. Komentar dia begini, Enggak bisa, Dick, aku mau makan malam sama temanku dari London.” Dicky menceritakan kejadian itu kepada saya, tepat saat sedang menyelesaikan tulisan ini.

Mengapa kata London harus dijelaskan? Memang kenapa kalau temannya dari London? Apakah ia merasa berbeda sensasinya kalau temannya ”hanya” datang dari Kalimantan atau Menteng Pulo? Bukankah sebagai yang mengajak, Dicky tak merasa penting mendengar penjelasan apakah temannya itu dari London atau dari Kupang? Yang penting buat Dicky adalah mengetahui alasan mengapa ia tak bisa turut menonton, bukan?

Mendengar cerita itu, saya membayangkan apakah sensasinya begitu berbeda kalau hanya mengatakan, ”Enggak bisa, Dick. Aku sudah janjian sama temanku mau makan malam. ” Titik. Tanpa London, tanpa Menteng Pulo.

Kemudian saya terusik dengan apa yang saya pikirkan sendiri itu. Pikiran iseng yang menyinggung. Sejujurnya, saya senang pamer dan saya merasa memiliki sensasi berbeda menuliskan saya bete di LA, dengan saya bete di LA (yang ini Lenteng Agung).

Kota-kota super kondang itu dimengerti orang awak dan dianggap sebagai kota bergengsi. Jadi, secara tidak langsung, saya ingin dikenal sebagai orang yang punya gengsi, yang pernah ke kota kondang itu. Dan, kemudian mengharap bahwa orang lain berpikir, saya juga kondang dan bergengsi. Menyebut nama-nama kota itu bisa membuat orang lain berpikir saya adalah manusia internasional.

Itu yang saya cari. Sebuah ruang pamer baru. Sebelum ada facebook, saya sudah suka pamer. Kadang saya melakukan pameran di mana-mana, mengalahkan road show pameran pelukis kondang, sampai saya sudah tak punya sesuatu lagi yang perlu disimpan, sesuatu yang hanya untuk saya saja.

Rumah diabadikan di majalah, isi lemari diabadikan di majalah, wajah saya diabadikan di majalah, koleksi jam tangan, motor besar saya ada di majalah, hari perkawinan yang seharusnya begitu personal, juga ada di majalah. Saya makan malam bersama seorang desainer kondang, juga masuk di majalah.

Karena sekarang ada facebook, saya pun memunggah semua itu sehingga makin banyak orang yang tahu. Dan makin banyak yang tahu, makin banggalah saya. Apalagi kalau jumlah temannya bisa mencapai angka seribu sekian.

Sekarang saya tahu mengapa saya bisa tergila-gila pada facebook. Bukan karena saya bisa bertemu teman-teman dari masa lampau semata, tetapi lebih dari itu, saya bisa memanfaatkannya untuk menjadi medium yang memperlihatkan apakah saya ini manusia rendah hati atau tinggi hati. Saya bisa bermain sesuka hati, seperti main film. Menjadi bad guy or good guy, karena saya yang jadi sutradaranya, penulis skripnya, dan pemainnya.

Samuel Mulia

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.
2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time
3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.
4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.
5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.
6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.
7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.” They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.
8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.
9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.
10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.
11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.
12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.
13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.
14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “Fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.
15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.
16. Keep fit.
17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she’s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.
18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.
19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.
20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs.” They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.
21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.
22. Have and nurture friendships with women.
23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.
24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30’s or older.
25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look.” Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.
26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.
27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.
28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.
29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

What Women Want (Maybe) by : ANDY NEWMAN

LADIES! Behold the splendor of the nude male form: sleek and powerful, a miracle of sculpted sinew, striding confidently across the sand or stretching out before you in ever-uncoiling glory.

On second thought, perhaps you’d prefer not to.

So say scientists at the frontiers of research on the eternal question of what women find erotic, the latest answer to which seems to be: not naked guys, or at least not simply naked guys.

“For heterosexual women,” a researcher, Meredith Chivers, says in a new documentary about bisexuality called “Bi the Way,” which was shown at the NewFest film festival in New York last Friday, “looking at a naked man walking on the beach is about as exciting as looking at landscapes.”

Dr. Chivers, a research fellow at the Center for Addiction and Mental Health at the University of Toronto, says she has data to support this assertion. She recently published results of a study in which she showed people video clips of naked men and women in various sexual and nonsexual situations and measured their genital arousal.

Heterosexual women, Dr. Chivers and her colleagues found, were no more excited by athletic naked men doing yoga or tossing stones into the ocean than they were by the control footage: long pans of the snowcapped Himalayas. When straight women viewed a video of a naked woman doing calisthenics, on the other hand, their blood flow increased significantly.

What really matters to women, Dr. Chivers said, at least in the somewhat artificial setting of watching movies while intimately hooked up to a device called a photoplethysmograph, is not the gender of the actor, but the degree of sensuality. Even more than the naked exercisers, they were aroused by videos of masturbation, and more still by graphic videos of couples making love. Women with women, men with men, men with women: it did not seem to matter much to her female subjects, Dr. Chivers said.

“Women physically don’t seem to differentiate between genders in their sex responses, at least heterosexual women don’t,” she said. “For heterosexual women, gender didn’t matter. They responded to the level of activity.”

Dr. Chivers’s work adds to a growing body of scientific evidence that places female sexuality along a continuum between heterosexuality and homosexuality, rather than as an either-or phenomenon.

“She’s pinpointing what’s kind of obvious, and yet unexplored: that women are so fluid in their sexuality,” one of the directors of “Bi the Way,” Josephine Decker, said at an after-party for the screening at a Russian-themed gay bar in Midtown.

Even in a culture that often cycles through moments of bisexual chic — Britney and Madonna, make way for Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson (photographed smooching in Cannes, France) — and despite survey data showing that young people, in particular, are open to sexual experimentation, bisexuality still tends to be treated as a novelty, a titillating fluke, a phase or even a cover for homosexuality. Dr. Chivers herself was an author of a 2005 study using similar methods that found that men who called themselves bisexual were significantly more aroused by one gender, usually by men.

But women, some researchers say, are fundamentally different. A University of Utah researcher, Lisa M. Diamond, published a study in January in the journal Developmental Psychology that followed the love lives of 79 nonheterosexual women who variously labeled themselves lesbian, bisexual or none-of-the-above. Over 10 years, Dr. Diamond found, the women continued to be attracted to both sexes.

Women’s response to images of coupling extends even to other species, Dr. Chivers found. In a 2004 experiment, and again in the recent study, published in the December 2007 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Dr. Chivers and her colleagues found women slightly but significantly aroused by footage of bonobo chimps mating. Men showed no such response.

And when Dr. Chivers asked her subjects to rate their own arousal to the videos they watched, the women, whether gay or straight, tended to give higher ratings to films showing women. “Heterosexual women are responding to women, which is counterintuitive,” Dr. Chivers said. “Why are women so turned on by watching other women?” Straight and gay men, as well as lesbians, were more predictably aroused by images of their preferred sex, Dr. Chivers found.

It is tough to know what to make of this information. Dr. Chivers makes no bold claims for it. “To conclude that women are bisexual on the basis of their sexual responding overlooks the complexity and multidimensionality of female sexuality,” she wrote in her paper. She did allow that the apparent flexibility of women “may be related to greater potential for bisexuality in women than in men.”

The makers of “Bi the Way” draw their own conclusions. “What started as a fad may have become a revolution,” a director, Brittany Blockman, says in a voiceover in the film, which traces the romantic peregrinations of five members of what a commentator calls the Whatever Generation. “But either way, it’s clear that young people are redrawing the map of sexuality.”

That’s a conclusion Dr. Chivers, for one, is not ready to draw. Ms. Blockman, 27, who holds an M.A. in medical anthropology from Harvard, said she got the idea for the film when she channel-surfed across “The O.C.” and saw Mischa Barton’s character kiss another young woman.

“When did two girls making out on mainstream teen shows become acceptable and cool?” she said in an interview. “I felt like I’d missed some kind of cultural shift.”

At the after-party for the screening, at Vlada on West 51st Street, the culture seemed to be shifting in several directions simultaneously. A woman in Ziggy Stardust makeup, wearing a prosthesis cast from a man’s penis, participated in a simulated sex act. A while later, the woman, Amy Ouzoonian, a dancer and performance artist, made out on a couch with a mannish woman in a black suit.

“You go along in life looking for that one person,” said Ms. Ouzoonian, 29. “The genitals shouldn’t really matter that much.”

A party guest, Gillian Baine, a private-school teacher (and avowed heterosexual), said that seemed about right to her.

“Young people are not wanting to pigeonhole themselves, and are doing that in a lot of ways,” said Ms. Baine, 28. “They’re feeling less constrained by norms. Or the norms are changing.”

But norms are tricky things. Ms. Decker, 27, one of the movie’s directors, seemed a little embarrassed by her own limited experience.

“The sad thing is, I desperately need to get with a girl,” she said, adding that a few stolen kisses was all she could count on the female side of her sexual ledger. “I just didn’t want it to be some random woman.”